Update as promised:
I bought this trip to Jamaica as a present to my wife for our five year anniversary. When we first got married I thought that I would be able to pay for the honeymoon through my military bonus. The bonus took much longer to disperse than I originally thought so we ended up with a much less tropical honeymoon than we wanted. It was actually a very fun honeymoon just not what we had originally intended. So this is the tropical honeymoon we never did take.
While we were there I wanted to do something nice for my wife. Today I tried to bring her breakfast in bed. Huge backfire. I had left early in the morning while she was still asleep. I guess she woke up soon after I left and was trying to get a bunch of stuff done without me. My leaving without telling her where I was going or when I would be back was not appreciated. This was the first time I have done something that turned out to be a big failure.
We decided that today we would see what Jamaican life is like off the resort. It turns out it is pretty exciting. Jamaicans have relaxed (zero) traffic laws and they drive on the left side of the road like the British. This made crossing the street, walking on the sidewalks, or riding on a tour bus very nerve-wracking. Also, Jamaicans are not content to let you just walk by their store without going in. We were staying in Montego Bay the "#1 tourist city in Jamaica." So it's not surprising that everyone there is trying to get your attention and separate you from your money. Initially I was far too nice. The vendors and shop-owners, even the drug dealers and prostitutes saw my smile or even my glance in their general direction as an expression of interest. I was really just trying to be nice.
The other thing I noticed immediately was how much trash there is everywhere. I am not sure why there is so much garbage everywhere in Jamaica. There are probably a lot of reasons. I tried to make one litter pick up though there were somethings I couldn't handle without gloves and a trashbag (glass, dirty diapers, etc.) I picked up trash on our way back to the sidewalk from a nearby beach cove. I deposited all the trash I had picked up in garbage can at the top of some dilapidated stairs and we continued our walk. On the way back a drug dealer stopped me and said he saw me picking up trash earlier. He still tried to sell me some weed but he did seem like he was trying to thank me.
After we got back to the resort we decided we were going to see the "Mr. Rastaman" show that the entertainment staff of our resort puts on. It was a "gameshow" where the host pulled men up from the audience and made them do ridiculous and embarrassing things. Of course I was selected to go on stage. There were six guys subjected to four different challenges.
1. Pickup line challenge: Go over to a girl and deliver your best pickup line. Mine was "That dress looks really good on you but I think it would look better on my floor." Awful.
2. Pushup challenge: Do as many pushups as you can with a woman on your back. I was disappointed that I didn't win this one.
3. Sexometer challenge: Try to propel a basketball up a ramp by thrusting it with your hips as hard as you can. More about timing than strength. I failed.
4. Dance off: Six white guys dancing. This was awful. Everybody, including me, failed.
I didn't even place in the top three. Pretty embarrassing stuff.
We went back to our room and my wife was suffering from a pretty awful headache and we realized we didn't have any headache medicine. I asked around but nobody on the resort seemed to have any. I decided to leave the resort to try and find some. It was basically a trip through prostitute alley to find some Advil. I was propositioned by at least seven women offering everything in explicit detail. My response was to say "No. Definitely not. But do you know where I could get some Tylenol or Aspirin for a headache?" Most of them were actually pretty nice to me and even pointed me in the right direction. I have no idea what the circumstances of these women are but I found myself really pitying them. Everybody does what they have to do to survive but prostitution seems super fucked up to me.
I ended up running into a drug dealer (Tony) that took me to the one liquor store that was open and they had some Advil. I paid six bucks for six Advil and I gave the drug dealer who took me there three bucks for helping me. He wanted more but took my three dollars without much of a fight. He walked out of the liquor store with me and continued trying to sell me drugs. When it was clear I wasn't interested he tried to sell me some Jerk chicken from one of his friends making it there on the street. A true salesman.
I got back to the room with the Advil and my wife was worried but grateful.
Money paid so far: $94.65
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